8 Bizarre Movie Scenes You Didn’t Know Really Happened

We only ask one thing of movies: to take our minds off our dull, everyday lives with preposterous scenes of reality getting double-teamed by imagination and his good friend special effects. It’s a simple enough request which Hollywood still managed to fuck up by giving us films that, sure, look totally insane and wonderfully unrealistic, but which have actually happened in real life … sort of.

#8. A Rogue CIA Operative Went Full Skyfall And Became An International Terrorist

The Movie:

In Skyfall, Javier Bardem adds another notch to his Crazies With Crazy Hair belt in his portrayal of Raoul Silva, an ex-MI6 agent-turned-terrorist and prime example of why spy agencies should be more careful about vetting the guys they plan to turn into living weapons.

The Reality:

Luis Posada Carriles is a “militant” Cuban exile and highly trained CIA field agent who was kicked out of the CIA in 1976 for essentially hating Fidel Castro too much. Yep, even by the standards of 1970s CIA, Posada was going a tad overboard with his hatred of all things even vaguely communist, which sadly culminated in him blowing up a Cubana Airlines flight, together with its 73 passengers, just because it carried Cuba’s national fencing team.

“Hey, those swords could have taken someone’s eye out!”

Venezuela imprisoned Posada over the bombing … until he broke out of prison in 1985 while awaiting trial, only to become a mercenary arms trafficker for the U.S. during the Iran-Contra scandal. Oh, and to further drive the whole “real-life Bond villain” image home, Posada was once shot in the face by an assassin, and survived.

The U.S. finally accused the man of being a terrorist after he personally admitted to a deadly string of terrorist bombings against foreign tourists in Cuba. This was of course after the Bush administration most likely secured him a presidential pardon in Panama, where he was serving time for trying to blow up Fidel Castro. Posada eventually landed in Texas where authorities tried to get his homicidal and illegal ass deported. However Posada got asylum because the countries that offered to take him in (Cuba and Venezuela) would most likely torture him to death.

“What did I do?! Oh … right, the international terrorism thing.”

Posada was also tried in the United States for perjury, but got acquitted and is now a free man living in — all together now — Florida.

#7. A Homicide Detective Once Investigated A Murder He Himself Committed

The Movie:

***SORT-OF-SPOILER ALERT***

In Shutter Island, Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win an Oscar for portraying a law enforcement officer who investigates a disappearance only to discover that the victim is dead, and that he himself committed the crime before his sick brain blocked out that cheerful memory.

The Reality:

In the late 19th century, Parisian detective Robert Ledru was called in to investigate the 1887 fatal shooting of beachgoer Andre Monet. Fortunately for Ledru, he had a mountain of evidence to work with: shell casings, sock prints showing that the killer was missing a big toe, and … some of Ledru’s personal police files lying around the scene?

Even stranger was this note they found inside.

The detective realized that he also owned the same type of gun used in the murder, had no big toe, and woke up that morning with wet and sandy socks. The facts quickly started to add up to a giant arrow with “Le Culprit” written on it and pointing straight at Ledru, despite him having no memory of committing the crime. But as he thought more about it, the more sense it started to make.

Which is the main difference between his story and Shutter Island.

See, Ledru had syphilis which caused him to sleepwalk and, by the looks of it, sleep-murder tourists at the beach. He shared his theory with the rest of the police, but they didn’t buy it until an experiment proved that if you put a revolver near a sleeping Ledru, he’s going to get up and start sleep-firing it (fortunately they used blanks for the test.) This proved that Ledru’s crime was one of 68 recorded instances of homicidal sleepwalking, for which Ledru was sentenced to a mental institution where he presumably discovered that the whole thing was part of his therapy, and that he was never really a detective to begin with.

#6. Deranged Nazi Scientists Successfully Bioengineered A Murderous Super-Species

The Movie:

If you need some unholy scientific experiment gone wrong in your movie, blame Nazi scientists. That’s where Captain America’s nemesis Hydra came from, as well as the horrors in a whole bunch of B movies.

This was followed by Doomtrooper II: Reich Back At Ya!

In video games you can gun down genetically engineered Nazi monstrosities in Wolfenstein. Holy crap, the real Nazis weren’t bad enough, so we had to invent this whole ridiculous “genetic mad science” program for them?

The Reality:

Two German brothers, Heinz and Lutz Heck, were such big fans of European bovine history that they wanted to de-extinct aurochs, the granddaddies of modern domestic cows. The Hecks’ plan was to use selective breeding to backwards-evolve modern cattle until they got a designer breed of auroch doppelgangers.

Hold on, does this mean we could de-evolve an ostrich into a T. rex?

These new creatures weren’t genetically aurochs, but they looked and acted just like the real thing, which is to say they were incredibly aggressive and tried to kill everyone around them without provocation. In light of that, it probably won’t surprise you that the Heck bros were super into Hitler, whose government also sponsored these experiments.

The Nazis carted these bloodthirsty supercows off to a few farms where most of them were incinerated in Allied bombings. Still, some of the faux aurochs delivered to zoos survived, and you can actually buy their descendants today, if you don’t mind owning a few-ton resurrected hell-beast that constantly thinks about using its 2.5-foot-long horns to give you a prostate exam.

We challenge you to find a picture of an auroch where it doesn’t look pissed off.

#5. American Pioneers Faced Off Against An Apocalyptic Insect Swarm

The Movie:

Another common staple of terrible horror/sci-fi movies is an unstoppable insect swarm that appears out of nowhere and fucks shit up. Of course, in most cases (from Starship Troopers to Eight Legged Freaks) the creepy crawlies have to be made huge because what kind of damage can regular-sized bugs do, even if there are a lot of them?

The Reality:

Between 1874 and 1875, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts attacked huge areas of the United States with a force of trillions of flying grasshoppers that covered an area of nearly 200,000 square miles.

That’s a million million of these bastards. You may want to go change your underwear right now.

Basically, imagine a flying, 27-ton engine of death the size of California moving through the United States and eating everything in its path: leaves, grass, wool, paint, wooden farm equipment, etc. What’s even scarier is that the swarm just popped out of the blue, which is actually a really bad metaphor because the swarm was so large that it blacked out the goddamn sun for several hours in some areas.

Like this, but somehow far, far worse.

The pioneers tried to defend themselves any way they could, including with homemade horse-drawn flamethrowers. Sadly, improvised weaponry and action-erections didn’t do the trick, and soon there was catastrophic crop damage, massive starvation, and 6-foot mountains of locust corpses piling up in places. However, the swarm was eventually defeated after settlers unwittingly plowed over the locusts’ nesting grounds, meaning that the U.S. was once actually saved thanks to environmental destruction. You were saying, hippies?

#4. Huang Yu Jumped Out Of An Out-Of-Control Airplane After A Midair Shootout

The Movie:

In Passenger 57, skycop Wesley Snipes gets into a shootout with some terrorists aboard an airplane, but finding himself outnumbered, he jumps out of the craft just before it lands. Of course, in typical Hollywood fashion, he then regroups, defeats the bad guys, and goes on to commit tax evasion.

The Reality:

In 1948, the Miss Macao flying boat crashed in the South China Sea, killing its entire staff and passengers, save for one: a Chinese fellow named Huang Yu, who was found floating in the water, seemingly without any memory of what happened.

Man, even The Bourne Identity ripped this off?

In reality, Yu was actually one of the guys who crashed the fucking plane. It turns out that Yu and three of his buddies planned to pull off the world’s very first skyjacking, and ransom off the millionaires aboard the plane. However, when the douchebag quartet whipped out their guns, the rich passengers started trying to subdue them and a raging gun battle soon erupted.

An errant shot instantly killed the pilot, who slumped over the controls, putting the plane in a fatal nosedive. However, Yu managed to open an emergency exit and jump into the ocean right before the crash. As if the asshole couldn’t win even harder, Yu was ultimately acquitted because Macau, Hong Kong, and China could not decide who should try him for the then-nonexistent crime of skymurder.

Passenger 57 thankfully replaced that anti-climax with even more sky-murder.

#3. “Lawn Chair Larry” Flew With A Bunch Of Balloons Strapped To Himself 27 Years Before Up

The Movie:

In Pixar’s Up, an old man ties thousands of balloons to his house and flies off to South America because, dammit, after that heart-wrenching opening, the last thing we needed was more reality.

“We also have talking dogs and giant birds coming right up, so stick around!”

The Reality:

OK, you’ll never actually get enough balloons to lift a whole house into the atmosphere. If you want to pull a stunt like this in the real world, you need to think smaller … even if that actually involves way more danger.

On July 2, 1982, Larry Walters became famous after he attached 42 weather balloons filled with helium to a garden-variety lawn chair, and took off into the wild blue yonder in his improbable contraption. This wasn’t a publicity stunt or anything — Walters was just some random dude who really wanted to soar through the sky but felt that flying lessons would cut too much into his “being a suicidal lunatic” time.

“Boy, this was easy. I can’t believe people made such a big deal about the Wright brothers.”

Walters’ plan was to lazily float up to about 30 feet, enjoy the view, and eventually land by shooting out the balloons with a BB gun. But due to a slight miscalculation, he used too many balloons and shot up to 16,000 feet (about three miles high). This put him in the direct path of passenger jets, two of which actually reported seeing a flying man on a chair while the control tower presumably penciled them in for a drug test.

“Yeah, right, Kevin. Last week it was a gremlin, and today it’s a guy in a chair.”

Larry eventually shot out several balloons and landed 90 minutes later by crashing into some power lines and causing a blackout. He was then immediately arrested on the basis of “You are … umm … look, we don’t know what this is, but there’s no way that whatever you just did is legal.”

#2. Corkey Fornof’s Insane Emergency Landing Was Directly Copied By A Bond Movie

The Movie:

In the opening scene from Octopussy, James Bond is flying a BD-5J microjet when his fuel warning light comes on. Bond then puts the plane down on a stretch of highway, parks at a gas station, and asks the stunned attendant to “Fill her up, please” because, believe it or not, there was a time when James Bond was allowed to have a sense of humor about him.

The Reality:

Professional Hollywood stunt pilot Corkey Fornof was flying a BD-5J microjet one day when his fuel warning light came on and he had to put the plane down on a stretch of highway. Fornof’s itty-bitty plane fortunately fit in a traffic lane, so he just coasted past astonished motorists, and switched lanes until he got off the highway and onto an access road.

Hey, a crash landing is no excuse to ignore traffic laws.

Fornof merrily careened through town until he slowed down and parked at a gas station, thoroughly confusing the attendant there. The similarities between that and Octopussy are no coincidence. Not only was the sequence explicitly based on Fornof’s real-life experience, but Fornof himself was the actual stunt pilot flying the BD-5J in Octopussy, meaning that, technically speaking, the most hilariously named James Bond movie is basically also a dramatized documentary.

#1. A Meteor Infects An Entire Town With A Mysterious Andromeda Strain-Like Illness

The Movie:

In the 1971 sci-fi classic The Andromeda Strain, a micrometeorite carrying an alien organism travels down to Earth on one of our satellites, where it immediately infects and kills a town full of people.

“Clearly, we need to build a giant wall around Earth” — President Trump.

The Reality:

The residents of a small Peruvian town near Lake Titicaca (which we are not ashamed to admit still sounds just as hilarious as when we were 12) were stunned when a goddamn meteor crashed nearby causing a massive explosion. The locals decided to walk on over to the mystery blast to check it out, which is basically how every sci-fi horror movie starts, and that’s pretty much what happened next as everyone who visited the crater started complaining of strange headaches and nausea.

Meanwhile, Hollywood was already working on The Andromeda Strain II — This Time It’s Peru-sonal.

In any movie, around now is when the real threat would emerge. The sick die and then come back to life! The virus was in reality just an advance attack by a UFO invasion’s landing party! The meteor contained a blob! You probably know that’s not how it played out, or else you’d have probably heard about it on the news by now.

A bunch of smart guys were called in to investigate and discovered that, in reality, the meteor had just hit a natural deposit of arsenic, throwing a bunch of vaporized death-dirt into the air, which was how everyone got sick. Or in other words: The illness was coming from inside our planet!

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23084_8-bizarre-movie-scenes-you-didnt-know-really-happened.html

5 Uncommon Health Tests To Ask Your Doctor About

Regular health screenings, such as a colonscopy or blood pressure reading, are key to detecting problems early before they lead to something serious. Yet Americans are surprisingly lax about getting recommended tests. Less than 25 percent of Americans ages 50 to 64 and less than half of those over age 65 are up to date on screenings. But, preventive services, including screenings, can save lives and promote well-being, says Lisa McGuire, Ph.D., an epidemiologist with the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta.   

Aside from the better-known, recommended tests (listed at the bottom of this piece), here are five less-common tests you should talk to your doctor about to see if you should be screened. 

1. C-Reactive Protein (CRP) People over 40 with certain risk factors (slightly elevated cholesterol, a large waistline, a family history of heart disease or being overweight) should get the blood test, which detects the presence of C-reactive proteinsindicators of inflammation in the body. According to the American Heart Association, high levels of C-reactive proteins double the likelihood of suffering cardiac arrest, compared to low levels. A test result greater than 3.0 milligram per liter (mg/L) suggests a higher risk for heart disease and heart attack.

2. Depression A depression screening may be in order if you are feeling unusually sad or hopeless and have lost interest in activities that once gave you pleasure for two weeks in a row. Your doctor can do a simple screeningessentially, having you respond to a series of questionsand refer you for treatment, if needed.  

3. Hepatitis C Test Everyone born between 1945 and 1965 should have a one-time blood test to detect this disease, which disproportionately affects the Baby Boomer generation. According to research, baby boomers are six times more likely to have Hepatitis C. Experts suggests this may be due to be risky behaviors like recreational drug use, which were prevalent in the 60s and 70s, as well as the fact that disposable needles were not available at that time for medical procedures and transfusions. As many as 75 percent of cases go undiagnosed, yet Hepatitis C can lead to liver damage, cirrhosis and cancer. Luckily there are now good treatments that are more effective and have fewer side effects than those of the past.

4. Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone (TSH) Women over 60 are prone to underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism). Although many doctors regularly test patients levels of the hormone to test the functioning of the thyroid gland, you should ask, particularly if you are symptoms, such as experiencing fatigue, increased sensitivity to cold, constipation, dry skin and unexplained weight gain. People with overactive thyroid (hyperthyroidism) experience rapid heart rate, nervousness, tremor and sweating. A result between 0.4 to 4.0 milli-international units per liter (mIU/L). 

5. Vitamin D A surprising number of Americans75 percent of teens and adultsare deficient in the sunshine vitamin, which not only helps keep bones and muscles strong but may help lower your risk for cancer and heart disease and bolster your immune system. Ask your doctor for a 25-hydroxy vitamin D blood test to determine how much vitamin D is in your body. Many experts recommend a level between 20 and 40 nanograms per milliliter (ng/ml). Others recommend a level between 30 and 50 ng/ml.

You should also be getting these standard recommended tests

Blood Pressure Get a blood pressure screening at least once every two years to detect hypertension, which could be a warning sign of coronary disease and other problems. A normal blood pressure reading is a systolic blood pressure of less than 120 and a diastolic blood pressure of less than 80. 

Cholesterol Men 35 and up and women 45 and up with heart disease risk factors, should have their cholesterol levels tested every five years. Doctors take a blood sample to assess levels of your total cholesterol and its components. Desirable levels of each:

  • Total cholesterol of less than 200 mg/dl. 
  • HDL (the good high-density lipoprotein) greater than or equal to 60 mg/dl.
  • Triglycerides less than 150 mg/dl 

Colonoscopy To catch colon or rectal cancer early, you need a flexible sigmoidoscopy every five years or a colonoscopy every 10 years from ages 50 to 75. Ask your doctor which test is right for you.

Mammogram (Women) Although theres some debate about when to start mammograms, women over 50 should have them regularly. The American Cancer Society recommends that Women age 45 to 54 get mammograms every year. Women 55 and older can switch to mammograms every 2 years, or can continue yearly screening. Screening should continue as long as a woman is in good health and expected to live 10 or more years.

Pap Test (Women) You should get a Pap smear every three years to test for cervial cancer. If you get a Pap smear coupled with an HPV test, which detects the strains of the virus strongly linked to cervical cancer, however, you can delay screening to every five years. After 65, you no longer need the test if results in the ten years prior were normal, according to the American Cancer Society.

Bone Density Scan (Women) Women should get a bone density test using dual-energy x-ray absorptiometry (DXA), an advanced x-ray technology, at age 65 to look for signs of the bone-thinning disease osteoporosis.  The test results in a T score, which indicates the amount of bone you have compared to a young woman with peak bone mass, and is used to estimate your risk of a fracture. A score above -1 is considered normal; a score between -1 and -2.5 is classified as osteopenia (low bone mass), and a score below -2.5 is considered osteoporosis. 

Prostate Exam (Men) Starting at age 50, men should talk to their health care provider about the pros and cons of having their blood tested for levels of prostate-specific antigen, or PSA, which may indicate the presence of prostate cancer.  

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Read more: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/11/12/5-uncommon-health-tests-to-ask-your-doctor-about_n_8569740.html

5 Common Insults That Reveal Dark Things About Society

Did you know that “Texas” is a slang term for “crazy” in Norway? As in, “Put down the nunchucks, Sven! No need to get Texas in here!” They’ve been using it that way for decades, and it’s weird to think that a thousand years from now, it’s possible that word will still be around even if nobody using it remembers that the state was even a thing.

It’s kind of a dick move, if you think about it, to have your entire proud history get turned into a mocking term that might outlive you. But lots of the language you use every day came about like this — some group of people turning a petty grudge or classist insult into an everyday word, until it gets baked into the language itself. Like …

#5. “Idiot” Started As A Slur Against Common Folk

You probably have heard that, once upon a time, you could go to the doctor and get diagnosed as an “idiot.” It used to be the clinical term for someone with a low IQ (along with “moron”), and it only fell out of favor after the public started using it as an insult a few decades ago. But if you go back further, you’ll find an even bigger dick move at play.

“Idiot” comes from the Greek word idios, meaning personal or private, a connotation that still survives in words such as “idiosyncrasy.” So, originally, an idiot was simply a private individual — maybe, but not necessarily, because he couldn’t figure out how the doorknob worked and was trapped in his home.

Meanwhile, the origins of your mom being like a doorknob because everyone gets a turn are quite clear.

In ancient Greece, the term grew to be applied to the “common man” — in other words, a private citizen, as opposed to someone holding a public office. (You read that right: In the good old days, there were no idiots in politics.) Of course, back then an ordinary person was almost always also an uneducated person. You see where this is headed. It wasn’t long until the upper crust started extending the term from laypeople in general to “those stupid laypeople,” and from there it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to Halfwit City, population: you.

And thus a whole history of snide class warfare worms its way into our schoolyard insults. It’d be like if you traveled to the year 3515 and saw doctors diagnosing low-IQ types as “NASCAR fan” or “flies coach.”

#4. “Prude” Was A Compliment Twisted To Shame Women Who Didn’t Want To Have Sex

In a country where you can’t show a female nipple on broadcast TV for fear it will scandalize the public’s delicate minds, it’s still an insult to be called a prude. It paints a picture of an uptight, obnoxious person who insists that even possessing genitals is only for those who lack both shame and class.

But if you were to hop in a time machine and burn rubber back to Old France, you could call a woman a prude and you’d actually be paying her a compliment. The word made its way to English from the French prudefemme, meaning a brave, virtuous, or proud woman. If you’re just now noticing that “prude” and “proud” look awfully similar, that’s because they once shared a similar meaning. They’re dictionary friends!

But the word had a rough trip across the English Channel. While it arrived in early-18th-century England all starry-eyed and retaining the gist of its original meaning, it didn’t take long for dudes in fancy knee breeches to turn it into an insult. Soon, a prude was a woman who was afraid of being seduced. And then it was an older woman who (knowing that the cobwebs dangling from her funbits made seduction unlikely) became overly pious. And finally it meant a woman who most definitely wanted the D but pretended not to for the sake of appearances.

“No D for me, thanks!”

So basically some women were too proud to sleep with some skeevy dudes, so those dudes got their revenge by twisting the word to imply that pride is a shitty thing to have. Isn’t language fascinating?

#3. “Dunce” Is A Smart Guy’s Name Turned Into An Insult By People Who Disagreed With Him

The goal of every political movement is to turn their opponents’ cause into a dirty word. Once upon a time, “Communist” was just a statement of party affiliation; now it’s a slur. We guess the same thing happened to “Nazi” (OK, often the groups do it to themselves). Well, once upon a time a movement just decided to target the leader of the other side and use his name to mean “stupid” until everybody started doing it.

The word “dunce” originates from one John Duns Scotus, considered one of the most brilliant men of his time. He was an influential 13th-century philosopher, lecturer, and theologian so famous for his sharp mind and complex arguments that he was known as “the Subtle Doctor.” That doesn’t mean he was particularly delicate when performing a prostate exam — it means he was renowned for his intricate and nuanced views on just about everything. His followers came to be known as Dunsmen, and for two centuries they taught his doctrines at Europe’s most illustrious universities.

He also founded the Crips.

So how did the term come to be a polite form of “dipshit”? Well, Duns lived toward the tail end of what we now call the Dark Ages, and by the 16th century much of Europe was getting its Renaissance on. The Dunsmen (or, by then, simply Dunses) were resistant to what they called the “new learning,” and this earned them the scorn of Europe’s new generation of brainiacs, who thought them foolish for sticking by tradition. By the 17th century, the name Duns had become the noun “dunce.” It’s a bit like sarcastically calling an idiot “Einstein,” but if we totally forgot who Einstein was and his name became synonymous with people so stupid they need three tries to clap.

“It’s ’cause he had paws, right?”

That guy died in 1308, by the way. They were so effective at mocking his way of thinking that his name still means “dumbass” more than 700 years later.

#2. An “Amateur” Was Once More Respected Than A “Professional”

If you Google “amateur” today … well, let’s face it: There’s really only one reason you’d be searching for “amateur” on the Internet, and it ain’t to enroll in your local nonprofessional kite-flying tournament.

“Man, look at that configuration; it’s barely legal.”

We hear “amateur,” and if our minds don’t immediately jump to “diddler,” they jump to “dabbler.” If there’s a disastrous screw-up at work, the office blowhard will shout something like, “What are you, a bunch of amateurs?” or, “What is this, amateur hour?” or, “Can we please act like professionals for once?” The message is clear: If you’re not getting paid, you’re not to be taken seriously.

However, the amateur of a few centuries ago was far from the casual hobbyist we picture today. Originally French, deriving from the Latin amare, an amateur was a person who pursued an activity for love as opposed to filthy, filthy lucre. Said activity might be in the field of art — France’s Royal Academy of Painting and Sculpture awarded the “amateur honoraire” status to honorary experts or consultants — or even in math, philosophy, or science. In fact, we’d be willing to bet you’ve heard of a little amateur scientist by the name of Charles goddamn Darwin.

Amateurs could afford to eschew payment for their efforts because they tended to be gentlemen who already had Scrooge McDuck vaults to swim in. They even went so far as to argue that the introduction of payment would insult their dignity and sully their noble pursuits — when lowborn scientist Richard Owen told a countess in 1865 that he received a salary, she reportedly “recoiled in horror.”

Although ol’ Richy Rape Eyes might have gotten that reaction a lot.

But science was undergoing a period of professionalization, and the gentlemen amateurs suddenly found themselves rubbing shoulders with clever upstarts who actually wanted to, you know, make a living. The upstarts closed ranks and began attacking the amateurs’ work and methods, eventually succeeding in convincing people that if you’re not getting paid for your work, you shouldn’t be taken as seriously as someone who is. And then, in our modern day, we tied the word to porn, so generations from now it’ll just mean “somebody that likes to fuck in poorly lit conditions.”

Hey, speaking of which …

#1. “Hussy” Was A Term For A Respectable Female, Corrupted To Degrade Poor Women

It says quite a bit about us that we seem to have more slang words for “promiscuous female” than we do for “aggressive, violent male.” And while these days everyone prefers “slut” or something much worse, you can still occasionally hear people of a certain age throw around the word “hussy.”

So, what, was there some infamous female back in the day with the last name “Hussy”? Maybe she banged a king and his entire royal court? Nope — it’s derived from “housewife.” Turn back the timeline just a few short centuries, and a “husewif” was the word for “female head of the house.” Middle English speakers decided that “husewif” was a bit awkward to say, though, so they shortened it to “hussy.” At the time, it was a respectable term referring to women who “stayed home, raised the kids, milked the cows, and did as they were told.”

The definition of “respectable” may have evolved a bit over the years as well.

Anyway, around the turn of the 17th century, the word broadened in meaning. Suddenly, any woman could be called a hussy — she didn’t have to be a housewife or even married. As should come as no surprise by this point in the article, any shred of dignity once attached to the word was soon swept right out of the kitchen when class distinctions came into play. Elitists — whose sole form of attack so far appears to be “make a word mean something shitty” — began using the term in reference not to women in general but to women who’d made the baffling life choice of being poor.

“Maybe you should have been born better, idiot!”

The negative evolution continued into the 18th century when, in addition to the unforgivable traits of being both female and destitute, immorality got tossed into the mix. And when it came to women in the 18th century, “immoral” basically meant one thing: sex. And that’s how we ended up where we are today, where calling a lady an old-timey term for “homemaker” merits a swift kick to your nether-regions.

Yeah, you’ve heard the saying “History is written by the victors”? Well, we’re pretty sure that language is written by the assholes.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23134_5-terrible-origin-stories-behind-your-favorite-insults.html

People Can’t Stop Making Fun Of Steph Curry’s New Under Armour Shoes

After being practically untouchable for the past two years, Steph Curry finally caught some Ls.

On Wednesday night, his Warriors got embarrassed by the Cavs via a 30 points lose in Game 3 of the NBA Finals. By Thursday morning, critics were accusing him of being a faux MVP and living up to the expectations of a big-time player. But both of those are nothing compared to what happened Thursday afternoon when these bad boys dropped.

The reaction to the release of Under Armour’s Curry 2 low tops was pretty unanimous and could be summed up in one vine:

At first, people gave the Curry 2’s a collective laugh.


But then, all hell broke loose.


When everyone decided to find a new name for the kicks, it was a wrap.


By the end of the night, the internet came to its conclusion: Only retirees, suburban dads and nurseswould wear these.


And now, the finisher.

Goodnight.

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Read more: http://elitedaily.com/sports/steph-curry-under-armour-shoes/1517968/

Twitter roasts Steph Curry’s hideous new Under Armour shoes

Unanimous NBAMVP Steph Curry has been pretty lackluster in the finals. Given the Golden State Warriors‘ unwavering dominance and record-setting season, it’s a bit surprising to see him sputter and falter in this critical match-up.

Turns out some seriously shitty footwear may be to blamethe kind of shoes that make you want to drill out all your tennis balls and start stockpiling walkers or learn how to install a new garage door opener.

Meet the newly unveiled Under Armour Curry 2 Low “Chef” kicks. They’re hideous.

Shoe enthusiasts over at Sneakernews have rated the bland chefs a paltry 2.6 out of 5. And Twitter has had a field day roasting these kicks to a crisp.

Dad jokes are plentiful, given a father’s desire for comfort, zero style, and the utmost embarrassment of their child.

Perhaps Under Armour is eying that sweet Father’s Day cash. Maybe Curry is just that unfashionable. Riley is probably already having nightmares about these lows, begging her mom to make their $3.2 million house a shoeless palace.

For the love of your child, your fans, and the game, please take off the early bird specials, Curry. At least until the finals are over.

Read more: http://www.dailydot.com/lol/under-armour-steph-curry-shoes/

50 Nurses And Doctors Spill The Most Insane Answers Theyve Ever Heard When Asking About Sexual History

1. Busted

“I signed in a sixteen year-old girl who told the doctor ‘I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex’ as she gives her Dad a ‘please don’t kill me’ look. Ah, family moments.”
mhornberger

2. Messianic Pregnancies Are Common

“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said ‘well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.’ Haha I love that Doc.

After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor.

Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”
Tokenofmyerection

3. Eight Times A Day

“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003.

Had a guy report to sick call with ‘personal’ filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits.

I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what ‘personal’ reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis.

Ok.

I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating.

Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital?

What the fuck are the sores from? . How much?

Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”
taws34

4. A Rough Encounter

“Patient came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.”
russelg000

5.Hazard Of The Profession

“As a Med student in an STD clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. ‘Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.’ She got all the antibiotics.”
Dan-z-man

6. It All Started With Stacy…

“My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form he circled the ‘sexual history’ part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back it read ‘it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…’ He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history.

I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.”
xenogensis

7. A Virgin’s Aspirations

“When I was thirteen I responded ‘yes’ when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex.

I thought masturbation counted.”
jiggle_the_handle

8. Selina

“Navy Hospital Corpsman here. After my ship pulled into Cyprus for a 3 day liberty port, I had a line about 10 people deep of sailors and marines in medical looking to see the doc. The first two presented with the same discharge and swelling and stuff (turned out to be a rather nasty clap/chlamydia combo) and when I dove deeper I found out they went to the same brothel. A little deeper and found they even saw the same girl. So 4 people in, same deal. When the next one walked in all I asked, with raised eyebrows ‘Selina?’ (supposed lady’s name) And with a subtle and ashamed confirmatory nod they sat on the table ready for the dreaded bore punch. 5/9 people I treated that day went to the same lady.”
CrimeanCrusader

9. Self Diagnosis

“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation.

Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit.

I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain.

So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history, when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds ‘right before I came here.’

So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain.

She says yes.

‘It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.’

You fucking whut?

Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”
a_Mazing_Nurse

10. Doesn’t Exactly Inspire Confidence

“I was in active labor, pushing a tiny human being from my body, when a well-meaning medical student asked me if I had any history of sexual activity.”
Cheesethehamster

11. A Wife’s Revenge

“My wife works in a hospital. She told me a story about a patient that presented with constipation (three days) and rectal pain. An examination found he had a rotting cucumber up his ass, which he claimed no knowledge of. Turns out he was not lying.

He had recently returned from an extended trip away from home during which he had contracted a venereal disease, which he had passed along to his wife following his return. Rather than confront him with his misdeeds, his wife decided to go straight to retribution. So she drugged his dinner one night, then administered the coup de concombre, so to speak.

Of all the possible visuals that come to mind when I think of this story, the one that I enjoy most is the wife, at the store, picking out the cucumber. ‘Yeah, this is the one…’”
keenly_disinterested

12. A Simple Misunderstanding

“‘When was your last prostate exam?’

‘I don’t have one.’

‘They removed it?’

‘No I have a vagina.’

‘Oh. Ohhhhh.’”
medikit

13. Yes, Yes They Do

“A woman came in with inflammation of the vulva and when I asked about her sexual history, she said ‘do dildos count?’”
sacrilicious_sk

14. “Dried Up For Years”

“Not a nurse but a former phlebotomist/health historian for the largest blood collection organization. One of donors was an older lady. Maybe early 70’s. There were 5-10 sexual history questions in a row. In the middle of them she blurts out, ‘Hhoney, I’ve been dried up for years. Nobody has been diggin in this for a long time.’”
moonboots333

15. You Just Never Know Who’s Freaky

“I’m a doctor and not a nurse, but the funniest example of this I’ve experienced was being ripped into by my attending back in medschool for asking a detailed sexual history on an elderly woman. Her husband and my attending were also in the exam room at the time. My attending had known them for the past 15 years and this couple had been married for like 50. After my attending stopped mocking me for, “asking about all that new crazy stuff, I’ve known Mr. and Mrs. X for years!” the patient proceeded to tell me that she and her husband were swingers and she had multiple male and female partners into her 70s. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face at that moment and hung it on my wall forever.”
viridianlion

16. Gotta Keep Active

‘I worked in a medical call center and had to survey patients taking certain drugs. We asked if they were sexually active (company was worried about libido-inhibiting side effects).

Best answer I heard was ‘Yes, but don’t tell my spouse.’”
refubeegee

17. A Memorable Trip To The Strip Club

“Army Combat Medic here, one guy came in with a very swollen eye that had been getting worse. As it turns out, the guy went to a fully nude strip club Saturday night and had a great time with the women there. So much fun, that one stripper shoved her snatch in his eager face. The next day, his eye was puffy, by Monday morning sick call, it was so swollen he couldn’t open his eye, and the erythema and edema was spreading over that half of his face. It was pretty jarring to look at.

PA sent him for emergency surgery, and this is where I arrive at the point of this story. After draining his eye and flushing it, they looked for any particulate that could have caused the irritation… and they found a crab.

Well, the stripper had crabs, so when she shoved dudes face into her vagina, some crabs took a journey into his eye and got stuck beneath his eyelid.

It was this guy’s first time going to a strip club too, but it sure as fuck wasn’t his last.”
Ginjedai

18. Best. Description. Ever.

“When I was in nursing school we had these questionnaire things we had to ask our patients for homework. Most of the questions were pretty simple and basic like family medical history or what current medication they were taking etc etc etc and it was designed to get us used to asking questions and to begin to develop rapport with the patient. Well since this was my first year of nursing school I was still felt little awkward asking the ‘sex questions’ and was nervous when I came around to these questions when interviewing an 85 year old man whose wife was sitting right next to him. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: So..umm sir some of these next questions may be a bit personal and if you are too uncomfortable answering them you can just tell me and we can move on.

Internal me: (please be uncomfortable oh please oh please oh please)

Him: Sure! Go ahead. You need to know all this stuff for your career! Ask away!

Internal me: (Damn…)

Usually there were 5 or 6 questions that i would ask but today I could only get past this one question.

Me: OK sir. Are you and your wife still sexually active?

Him: (Looks up at me, then the ceiling, then to his wife and says) ‘sweetie? How would you describe our sex life?

Wife (without missing a beat): Oh probably that you jumped on a wild hog at the ripe age of 19 and are still hanging on for dear life. (then she leans closer to me and whispers) I try to buck him off every night but he keeps hanging on (then she winks).

I almost died of laughter. Best response ever.”
ArgentinianNorse

19. It Tastes Different

“My Doctor told me a story once… a bit off topic here but awe well.. Back when they first started performing Vasectomy’s, Doctors had to call their patients back for standard followup questioning a number of weeks after the procedure. He told me he got the same answers from all of the couples he interviewed. Any Sensation change? -No, Any performance Change? – No… etc. this went on and on… until one day, he asked a couple if there were anything different after the procedure. Any changes at all…. The wife said YES… There is a huge difference since he had the surgery. My Doc was very surprised and when he inquired further the wife said… ‘It tastes different’… O-o He said it was all he could do to keep from laughing as he made the note of “Seminal fluid tastes different after procedure.’”
Comax

20. Semen Allergy

“Not a doc, but when I went to my allergist to discuss an allergy to semen be had to ask me very in depth questions about each encounter. I had to tell an old kind man about how my boyfriend’s cum turned my face red and itchy.”
sphb17

21. Can’t Be Pregnant, No Sex For Six Months…

“I was around 8 months pregnant and working as an ER nurse. I had a very round, beach ball-esque obviously pregnant belly going on. A woman came in with the chief complaint of lower abdominal pain that came in waves, and also reported experiencing a clear liquid discharge that she said felt like she peed her pants, but point-blank denied being pregnant (she had a big sweatshirt and jacket on at first). She came back to me and changed into her gown with me in the room, and clearly she was visibly pregnant, and my immediate suspicion was that she was in labor. I point-blank asked if she was pregnant and she looked at me bewildered and stated she couldn’t be because she hadn’t had sex ‘in over six months.’ I asked her when the last time she was sexually active, and she reported “sometime in September,” which was sometime around my own date of conception. Being that she’s not grasping it yet, I point to her belly and then my own and say “how long has your belly looked like my belly?” My hope is it would kind of be a “look in the mirror” wake up call, but it didn’t work. She said she had just been feeling “bloated” over the last few months. She didn’t believe she was pregnant until the ER resident did a bedside ultrasound to find the baby’s heart rate. She was in labor, and went upstairs to L&D. Oh, and she had her ten year old daughter with her.”
sphb17

22. Touche’

“My friend answered his doctor once by just saying ‘I go to an engineering school.’”
PiLamdOd

23. Infected Penis Wound

“So I was taking care of a guy who had an infected wound on his penis. He didn’t get it checked out right away, picked at it and tried to take care of it without having to see a doc, because of course that’s embarrassing to a lot of people. Finally he realized things were not going well and he ended up admitted to the hospital with a horrible wound. Bad enough a surgeon had to go in, remove some dead tissue, and we, the nurses, got to change the dressing twice a day. This wound was the type that had to have gauze placed in the wound bed, called “packing”. It’s painful and uncomfortable for patients no matter where the wound is, but you can imagine how this poor fellow felt about it.

He told his doc he wasn’t sexually active. So the first night I take care of him, as I’m doing the dressing change, I ask him if he has any questions. Eventually he’ll go home and have to do that himself, so while doing wound care I typically narrate what I’m doing and make sure patients can ask questions. Because of the nature of this wound, I had pre-medicated him with some IV narcotic, so he was a little loopy.

He tells me he just can’t figure out why he has this wound. So I start going through some standard questions. Do you have any other infected wounds, are you around anyone who has infected wounds. Come to discover, he had been regularly getting some hand jobs from a gal who was a meth head and who had some open wounds on her face and forearms. I told him that’s where he likely got it from, and he responded “but I wasn’t rubbing my dick on her arms or her face!”

So I said ‘no, but she probably touched or picked at those sores before she jerked you off. If she didn’t wash her hands well between touching her sores and giving you a hand job, she spread those germs to you.’ He had no clue. He had no idea he should have included this information in his sexual history, and he had no practical understanding of how germs are spread.

But please remember the entire scene. I’ve got this guy’s penis in my gloved hand, cleaning and packing this bad wound that doesn’t smell great, has a little yucky drainage, and I’m discussing jerking off and hand jobs. Im down within a foot or so of his penis, because his wound tunnels a bit and I’ve got to use a Q-tip and delicately stuff this gauze tape into a sensitive area. I’m a moderately attractive gal about his age. I wasn’t embarrassed, I’m a matter of fact sort of person and I wanted this guy to understand how to take care of himself and stay clean. He wasn’t embarrassed, he really wanted to understand and he was also high on fentanyl. But it was a little absurd and made me laugh in retrospect, because I assume most people don’t handle other people’s genitals or talk about hand jobs at work.”
123poppy

24. A History Unlike Any Other

“‘Encyclopedic’ was the reluctant response a nurse friend once told me she received from the wife of a well known local Baptist minister. She was well into her 70’s and had recently celebrated her and her husband’s 50th wedding anniversary. When asked to clarify, she admitted to being unfaithful to her husband with over 1000 men, and several hundred women. Her most recent escapade had been the previous day.”
toughshit

25. I Think Most Can Relate

“When I would donate plasma one question was ‘have you ever had sex in exchange for money or drugs?’ I replied ‘no just, attention.’ The nurse laughed so hard she had to excuse her self for a minute or too.”
original_greaser_bob

26. The One Kind Of Birth Control That’s 100% Effective

“Paramedic here. I once asked a 20 year old female with abdominal pain:

ME:’Are you sexually active?’
HER: ‘Yes’
ME: ‘Any chance you’re pregnant?’
HER: ‘Absolutely not, I could never be pregnant.’
ME: ‘Not all birth control is 100% effective.’
HER: ‘Mine is.’
ME: ‘What kind of birth control is it?’
HER: ‘Um…lesbianism.’”
CEPTyler

27. “Not That Kind Of Discharge, Sir”

“Medical school in Philadelphia. I was in surgery clinic and going through the ‘review of systems’ and like any good med student covering every system possible as I was seeing this 72 year old African American guy. ‘Any discharge from your penis sir?’ With a smile, he exclaims ‘Not in about 12 years!’ Took me half a second then I cracked up and said, ‘not that kind sir, but you’re hilarious.’”
flanker14

28. You’re Obviously Miscarrying

“My friend called a nurse hotline because she was having horrible, horrible menstrual cramps.

‘You must be having a miscarriage,’ they said.
‘I really don’t think so.’ she replied.
‘Are you sexually active?’ they asked.
‘Yes, yes I am.’ she said.
‘Well, then you are obviously having a miscarriage.’ they insisted.
‘I’m a lesbian.’ replied my friend.
‘Oh. Well. Would you like to speak to one of our LGBT staff?’”
Fabgrrl

29. Outlook Favorable

“I gave a new gyno one of her favorite responses to ‘Currently sexually active?’ I had recently started seeing someone so we weren’t quite there yet so I said ‘Outlook favorable.’”
BraveLilToaster42

30. She Was Very Religious

“Not a nurse but I work in a hospital and this story was too great to pass up telling. so I watch cardiac monitors for a living. we had this 18-21 yr old female don’t remember exactly age. But she was in for asthma problems and we also watch O2. So apparently this girl was from a very religious family and told the nurses and doctors that no she was not sexually active and never has been. She was going to a local college and was brought in by someone who we were told was her ‘cousin’.

She gets admitted. About 230 in the morning her heart rate goes up to like the 150s- 160s and her O2 us at like 85% (that’s really bad for a anyone when they are supposed to be asleep and at rest). So I get up and run to go check on the patient turns out her cousin stayed the night. So here I come bursting into this room with like two nurses while this girl is like eyeballs deep on her ‘cousin’s’ penis and when the door bursts open and the lights go on he got startled jumped forward and causes her to immediately vomit all over him. I turn to the nurses and say ‘well at least it wasn’t a cardiac event’ and leave so I could fall to the floor laughing. And I believe the she checked out soon after that.”
ILookAtHeartsAllDay

31. How Do You Make The Sex?

“I worked in an infertility clinic. We had a young couple who came to the clinic to get pregnant. We could not find a cause for their infertility: both were young and in text book perfect health. We brought them in to give them the test results (all infertility investigations were normal) and to give them the treatment plan. The nurse saw them first and came out with an odd look. She said ‘just trust me on this, but you need to go tell them about the birds and the bees’ I was all WTF and she said ‘it’s just a gut feeling I have.’ So I did. I prefaced my talk by saying ‘I’m going to tell you some information. Please save your questions till I’m done.’ Then I gave them detailed and explicit instructions on what they needed to do to do it. Both looked shocked at first, then deeply embarrassed. Neither met my eye and both left the clinic without another word. Next visit: pregnant. I do not know what they were doing to this day but all’s well that ends well.”
roadtohealthy

32. Well, There It Is

“I had to ask an 80 yr old patient about her form of birth control. Her answer: my age.”
Clap4boobies

33. “Feeding The Baby”

“My wife was working her OB/GYN rotation when a pregnant woman, who already had three kids and a master’s degree in something, quietly asked the doctor after her husband had left: ‘Dr. my husband tells me that when we’re, y’know, intimate, that he’s feeding the baby. I feel stupid for asking, but is that true?’

The doc must have really ruined that husband’s life. I just imagine the husband using this line: ‘Well, honey, I don’t wanna do it anymore than you do, but we gotta feed that baby.’”
demusdesign

34. The Hairbrush

“As a student, I was working in a rural underserved community hospital and had a 13 year old patient come in with her mom for ‘vaginal smell’ which she said people noticed at school. I then preceded to ask about sexual history (patient gave me permission to ask in front of parent). I asked if she was sexually active and she said ‘no.. well with my hair brush.’

Mom seemed to have been well aware of this and then began describing her daughters vaginal smell as well as discharge in great detail.”
dirtstar19

35. Mishearing The Question

“Ex girlfriend got sprained ankle playing soccer, got asked if she was sexually active at hospital, except she didn’t hear the ‘sexually’ part, so she thought she was asked ‘are you active?’ She answered, ‘of course I’m active, how do you think I hurt my ankle?’”
Ruhlmdc

36. Doctor Pity

“I recently went to the doctor. She was a rather young female doctor, likely late 30’s. I’m 24. She asked me if I was sexually active, and I told her no, and that’ I’ve never had sex. She proceeded to give me the look my mom used to give me when I was a kid, when I used to fall on my ass pretending to be Superman around the house. That look of pity, mixed with a little bit of amusement.

It didn’t help that she began telling me (instead reminding me of what precautions I should take or the benefits of safe sex, which would’ve been the safe thing to do), how surprised she was someone like me went through all of college not having sex, how she greatly admires my ability to remain abstinent, how I will definitely lose it to a nice girl someday, and that more guys need to be like me.

Yeah, as if that look she gave me before she said all that wasn’t awkward enough.”
Sundari108

37. A Strong Argument For Sex Ed

“(Mother is Nurse. This was her answer) A man in his mid 20’s came to the hospital ER with several complaints (she can’t recall exactly what they were but they called for inquiring about sexual history). She asked if he had ever been diagnosed with an STD and he said ‘No’. She asked him if he was on any medication and he said ‘No’. She went on to prepare to draw his blood and she typically doesn’t put on gloves until she’s ready to insert the needle bc bare fingers make it easier to feel veins. He then says “I hope you’re going to wear gloves. I was diagnosed with HIV a few months back. One night stand.”

At first she thought he was nervous about needles and making bad jokes to compensate (very common) but when she looked at him he was dead serious. She said ‘You told me you’d never been diagnosed with an STD’ to which he replied ‘I have HIV, not STD!’

My mother decided it was the doc’s job to explain that one, but then asked ‘You said you weren’t on any medications, but your doctor must have you on meds for the HIV, right?’ His response? ‘Well I was for a few weeks but they made me feel sick. I’m waiting until I feel sick from the HIV before I go back on them.’

As unprofessional as it was my mother instinctively rolled her eyes bc she just didn’t know where to even begin with this guy. Before going to fetch the doctor she asked one more question, ‘Are you using protection every time you have sex?’ Response ‘Yup. Last 2 girls I slept with were on the pill. I’m not stupid, I don’t want a baby with HIV.’

Needless to say the doctor had a LONG, basic sex-ed talk with him and my mother spent almost an hour on the phone with the Health Dept just trying to convince them this guy was for real and getting them the info they needed to inform his poor partners.”
DeaditeQueen

38. A Good Story Is Born

“I had my family GP ask me (about 16) if I was sexually active while in the middle of giving me a testicular exam. I responded with ‘depends, does this count?’

He laughed really hard, my balls still in hand. He finished up, went outside, and I immediately heard him telling all of the nurses.”
Duranimal

39. Just Really Gross

“I was working at a public urgent care clinic in a lower income area and had a guy tell me he had a vacation in the Philippines that was basically a gay sex vacation with prostitutes.

His main issue was that since then he had experienced a ‘tickling’ sensation over his butt hole and I sort of dismissed the guy as crazy in my head just by his mannerisms and dress.

Sure enough, he said that he read it could be pinworm which can be diagnosed by placing a piece of scotch tape on the anus and seeing what sticks to it.

Guess what happened next? He pulled the tape out of his pocket and there were dead worms, pubes and ‘stuff’ on it. That was a horrible but memorable patient encounter.”
ICUDOC

40. The Next Thing You Know…

“There was this husband and wife combo in the exam room for an STD complaint. Taking the history from the husband I had to ask how he contracted the possible disease. He goes, ‘It was the funniest thing. I was getting a massage then the next thing you know this guy is fucking me in the ass.’ The wife left the room she was so angry, I took my note and left.”
Jones_mon

41. The Cocaine May Have Still Been In His System

“Emergency nurse here. Most favorite happened only a few weeks ago. A very good looking clean man in a suit came in with a 10inch dildo up his butt. Like very high up his rectum. It was one of those dildos with a ball sack attached and this guy has the whole thing even the balls up there….. It seems him and his girlfriend took a shit ton of cocaine then decided to ‘play’. I had to ask him why it seemed like a good idea to put it there and his response was “it was like everest the attempt had to be made for the good of man kind”. The cocaine might still have been in his system. Anyway I learnt lots of this that day such as silicone can be seen on x-ray and the inside of the rectum is negative pressure. The doctor could get his hand up there but the pressure he couldn’t actually pull it out….. Few enemas and pushing later it was far enough down that the doctor could help this man give his to a bright neon blue ‘baby.’”
Lisybug

42. Sexual History Revealed

“I went to an Urgent Care once with my girlfriend (now ex) and since we both had the same sore throat we just sat in on each other’s appointments. Midway through the nurse pulled me into the hallway and told me she had come in with a different guy the day before getting treatment for scabies. It was true. She had been cheating on me and got busted by the nurse.”
llIllIIlllIIlIIlllII

43. Mom Jokes

“While trying to diagnose abdominal pain-
‘Any risky sexual behavior?’
‘Ma’am I’m 25 and I have 2 kids, I consider any sex quite risky.’”
thoooper

44. Grandpa’s Still Got It

“Not a nurse, but used to work at a hospital. Best I ever heard was:

‘Tell me about your sexual history.’ ‘Well, I’ve never been great at history, but I’m picking up some sexual in this room.’

Doctor was a cute, mid 20’s female, patient was an almost 80 year old man. It was creepy, awesome, and hilarious all at once.”
WhiteFrog89

45. A Blatant Liar

“Syphilis story time! Pull up a chair, kids.

Guy (ostensibly straight, married, monogamous) comes to clinic with his very upset wife. He has braces on his teeth. His orthodontist saw him earlier in the week for some concerning oral lesions. I give the orthodontist lots of credit here: he was the one who tested the patient for syphilis in the first place, and bingo, came up positive.

Now, syphilis does not come from the syphilis fairy. It’s transmitted through sex (or being born to someone with syphilis), and requires contact with the contagious lesions (chancre in the primary stage, or oral/genital lesions in the secondary stage). This guy’s mouth lesions are what are known as mucous patches. He also had a healing chancre in his mouth. The chancre forms at the place where the syphilis bacteria enters the body. So, pretty clearly, guy contracted this during oral sex that he performed on somebody.

Where we live, syphilis is found almost exclusively among men who have sex with men. Like, almost zero cases here in people who have vaginas. So I highly doubt that dude got this from his wife (who is also swearing she has no other sexual partners, and by the fact that she is bawling and very angry at her husband, I am quite inclined to believe her). Basically, I see no way in my medical judgment that dude could get this from anything besides sucking dick.

But we always ask a thorough history, so instead of writing him off as a down-low dude who is cheating on his wife, I ask him:

‘Sir, can you tell me how you got syphilis?’

What I get next I could not make up, not ever, no matter how hard I might try.

Dude tells me that one night he is riding the bus home from work. He’s minding his own business when a group of teenagers on the bus proceed to start shit with him. Calling him names, inviting him to fight them, etc. My patient feels that it’s relevant to tell me what race the kids are (clearly not the same race he is, and he needs to tell me this several times). Apparently the situation with the teenagers escalates and they stand up and approach him. One of the kids gets up in his face…

And kisses him.

Not punches him, not spits on him, and definitely not sticks his dick in Guy’s mouth. Just kisses him, and runs off the bus.

Now, unless this kiss lasted a looooooong time, and his alleged assailant sucked on his lips for a good chunk of time, there is no fucking way this is how dude contracted syphilis.

But as a health care provider, my job is to ally with my patient and to provide him with care. So I hold my tongue, resist the urge to tell this guy that he is a blatant fucking liar, and provide him with the appropriate course of treatment for his syphilis. Oh, and test him for everything else, because I don’t trust this motherfucker AT ALL. And apparently he thinks I am stupid too, because he told me this story in full.

Did I mention that his wife is trying to get pregnant with him? And they’ve been having sex regularly since the time he got infected? And now she also has syphilis?

I don’t know what happened with the two of them, but I sure hope she left him. He’s a piece of shit.

Anyway. I’m poly and queer myself, and I have absolutely no problem, personally, with someone having multiple partners of any gender. My problem here is the fact dude is lying. To his wife as well as to his healthcare provider. Sigh.

There you have it. My best story about STDs!”
polly_enmity

46. The Love Board

“I had a very large woman that had a slivers of wood in her skin that were starting to get infected and when asked about the slivers, she replied ‘That is from my love board.’

‘What is a love board?’ I asked…

‘That is the board that my husband uses to push up my fat so that we can have sex.’

…..yorf.”
ihearttatertots

47. The Two Bottle Rule

“Obligatory “not me but” (I was in the room). GF goes in for intestinal pain. Very patient middle-aged Doc asks standard questions:

‘Sexually active?’ – GF: Yep ‘Frequently’ – GF: Yep ‘ok…Anal sex?’ GF: ‘After two bottles of wine Doc anything goes.’

Laughs ensue. If he was white I’d say the doctor was blushing.”
VAJAYNUS

48. Doc Disapproves

“Worst joke I ever made during a physical exam for football:

Doctor: ‘What’s your sexual history?’
Me: ‘Mostly 5’s and 6’s. I had a 7 once.’

He did not laugh. He just looked at me with a frown.”
StarbuckPirate

49. Rough TP

“Guy comes into the ED complaining of rectal bleeding. Pretty standard. I get blood from him and assist the doc as he performs a rectal exam. Doc doesn’t notice any hemorrhoids but notes some light tearing typical with a patient wiping too hard. Tells the patient to chill out on the TP. Patient responds, ‘Yea, my TP is pretty rough.’

A few hours later the patient has a male visitor. I introduce myself and ask who the visitor is and how he knows the patient. Patient looks at me and says, ‘This is the TP I was telling you about earlier.’

Took me a minute to understand what he was saying, then had to excuse myself from the room as I could no longer remain professional.”
ChaplnGrillSgt

50. Old People Are The Sauciest

“Nursing student here. My new all time favorite happened earlier today when I asked a new 92 year old man the dreaded question.

‘So sir, as these questions are generic to each patient I have to ask: Do you have any worries about your sexuality?’

To which he replied: ‘Yeah, I don’t get enough of the sex part.’

The look on his wife’s face was priceless.”
Sexytimeswithbae

Read more: http://thoughtcatalog.com/eric-redding/2016/09/50-nurses-and-doctors-spill-the-most-insane-answers-theyve-ever-heard-when-asking-about-sexual-history/

What Im really thinking: the dental hygienist

The worst thing is the disrespect some people show by not cleaning their teeth or by eating just before seeing me

You may think youre coming in just for a clean but its my job to check your oral cavity for lesions, your teeth for caries and your gums for periodontal disease, and to provide advice to get you to full oral health. Many a joke is made about relaxing in the chair. I call it the comfy chair; it breaks the tension. I know its not the most pleasant experience, so I try to alleviate the worry by explaining the emotions people feel as they lie back. After all, I am exposing your vulnerable, soft places your belly and chest and instinct prompts the nervous patient to cross their arms. Then, as I start the treatment, I am right there in your personal space, wearing a mask and glasses another uncomfortable feeling for you.

I like my job and people mostly leave feeling better, wiser and yes cleaner. I dont mind how bad your teeth are, its bloody satisfying getting a load of tartar off, leaving smooth enamel to rub your tongue around instead of rough rock. But I have feelings too; I cant help looking at your blackheads and up your nose at your nasal hair (or worse). You cant blame me: I have excellent lighting.

I find it rather creepy when your tongue follows my instruments and irritating when it nudges them out of the way, and when you look me in the eye as I move into your vision. And why, all of a sudden, cant you swallow your own saliva? But the worst thing is the disrespect some people show by not cleaning their teeth or by eating just before seeing me. Id never say it, but I so want to ask: Would you leave another bodily cavity in the same condition if you were visiting your gynaecologist for a smear test or a urologist for a prostate exam? I dont think so.

Tell us what youre really thinking email mind@theguardian.com

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/sep/17/what-really-thinking-dental-hygienist

The Liberating Art of LGBTQ Prisoners: Why Curating On The Inside Was Very Personal For Tatiana von Frstenberg

On The Inside, a huge survey of art created by LGBTQ prisoners, features passionate images of joy, sex, and strength, alongside piercing personal testimonies. “>

What is striking about On The Inside, a group art show of works by LGBTQ prisoners at the Abrons Arts Centre on New Yorks Lower East Side, is how tender, even romantic, the images are.

There are few images of incarceration or suffering, and instead many images of magical fairies, gender-blurring beauties, muscular bodies, love, sexiness, warriors, prayer, figures of faith, and iconic heroes. 4,000 images were submitted from LGBTQ prisoners all over the US, with 450 selected for the final show.

Around these images are printed the writings of the prisoners who created the art sent in letters alongside their works to exhibition curator Tatiana von Frstenberg (full disclosure: she is the daughter of Diane von Frstenberg, who is married to Barry Diller, chairman of IAC, which owns the Daily Beast). Von Frstenberg made a donation for each work of art to the participants; their first names or initials are attached to the works.

Some images are simple, others more elaborate and colorful. The images were created mostly on letter-sized paper, using dull pencils, and ball-point pen ink tubes (the hard shell is deemed too dangerous). One picture of a line-up of prisoners features a woman among the men; a sea of faces is broken by the presence of a nude body held aloft; a gorgeous, muscular body has a non-gender specific face; Bruce B.s The Wandering Mind features a woman in repose; James L.s features a spotlit owl.

As you linger over the images, the captions–which provide a moving snapshot of the added layer of harassment, prejudice, and discrimination LGBTQ inmates experience when incarcerated–prove piercing.

One of the male guards liked to sit four feet away and watch me shave my body and shower when he was on duty, writes Paula W. Hed ask me what I would do for him if I asked him for anything. Another guard that escorted me to the doctors office said, I bet you enjoyed that after my prostate exam.

I have been stripped of all my property, clothing, mat, and left to sleep on a steel bunk in 30-degree weather, writes Felicity. Ive been harassed time and time again for my identity, being a flamboyant fem gay. But still I stand, I wont bend and I wont break. I am proud of who I am, I carry myself with gay pride 24/7.

I just cant understand why our proud American culture is accepting of our inhumane, undignified prison system, writes Tony W. It is insane to treat people horribly for years, then return them to society. Ive become wise, yet pissed off.

Im a happy gay man, but have a lot of problems with other inmates so I lose myself in drawing, writes Ronnie S.

I have been locked up for the past 23 years, writes Jimmy W. I told my brothers and sisters that I was gay, and till this day I have yet to receive mail from them. But I feel great and love myself.

Not all is grim. I had several relationships in prison and had the best sex I can possibly imagine, writes Cheyenne. My favorite part of the day was lockdown. We would make out until the count, thats when the real fun started.

One image features a heavily muscled guy holding another slighter guy: Familiar acts are beautiful through love, its caption reads. A set of portraits include nudes, Nelson Mandela, a couple holding one another, fairies and humans with butterfly wings. There are hunks in leather and a self-explanatory picture entitled, Gay Pandas Fucking, and then a stunning portrait of a beautiful, bearded man.

Inside and outside prison walls, art has always been the freedom only a higher being can bring, writes Yenniel H. My mind, hands and pencil combine to express something greater than myself.

A religious section includes images of God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary, and a caption by Ziva: I used to think that prayer was sorta stupid, praying to someone you cant even see. But now after experiencing it I see why people get on their knees to do it.

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Abraham Lincoln feature on a wall of heroes, alongside superheroes, and then in a central blocked-off area, the size of a solitary confinement room, even more explicit images of penises and vaginas.

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Sitting inside this solitary confinement room, von Frstenberg reveals how she compiled the show over almost five years. She made contact with the prisoners through the LGBTQ prisoner support organization, Black and Pink, which she describes as like a family, a wonderful organization.

The results of a survey of LGBTQ prisoners experiences conducted by Black and Pinkaround issues including parole and gender and sexual identity–are printed on the walls of the solitary confinement room.

The 46-year-old Von Frstenberg said the idea for the show came as she was beginning a 30-day period, each day performing a pledge of love. Her idea, to have a prisoner pen-pal, became the seed of the exhibition when her online research led her to the Black and Pink website.

The long gestation of the show, she says, was ideal as she suffers from a debilitating muscle condition, Myotonia congenita, and has done since she was a young girl. The nature of thisvon Frstenberg has just suffered an excruciating flare-up, which led to her mother buying her a scooter so she could work on setting up the showmeans she must conserve her energy, and work at her own speed.

Its the inability to relax, she says of her experience of the condition. Its a decreased ability to relax out of contraction. If I sneeze I cant open my eyes. If I use my strength, my muscles jam and lock. My muscles are always damaged, and I have an inability to recover from damaged muscles. But my muscles are always getting damaged, so Im in a lot of pain. Everything hurts.

Von Frstenberg grew up in New York, the daughter of Diane and her first husband Prince Egon of Frstenberg, which makes her a princess-in-name. She is extremely down-to-earth, intensely thoughtful and committed to her work, and dressed in light, casual clothes deliberately chosen so as not to hang heavily on her body. She is close to her older brother Alexander (were connected, were both Aquarians), born the year before her.

Suffering from the muscle condition all her life has made von Frstenberg reflect on how biology informs ones identity. One reason I relate to this show is that I believe biology informs ones entire personality. I never played as a kid. I couldnt. I always had to be in a seated position observing, reflecting. I did really well at school. I got into Brown University at 16. I generated ideas, stories, because I never participated in any physical activity whatsoever.

I felt like an outsider. As a disabled woman, I feel marginalized. I don't have fear of mortality. When you live with chronic illness you imagine a release. I want to be alive, but I don't want to be in pain. The pain is really intense.

It must have been strange to grow up, feeling like that, in the whirl of fashion and the fashionable, I say.

It was really weird, von Frstenberg says. I cant actually wear the clothes, but more than that I cant relate to the aspirational-woman model. I have to emerge from within because my limitations make me. I cant decide to be something and chase that, because it doesnt work for me.

Her family has been supportive, she says.

My mom has learned a lot from me and I think I have been her teacher in a lot of ways. She really gets me, she can tap in to it. Were super-close and shes super-respectful of me. She can feel me. With the scooter, shes such a savior. Im usually bedridden for a few days when Im in crisis, which is very isolating. This will really help me. Next time Im in crisis, which happens quite frequently, Ill use it.

Von Frstenberg wasnt diagnosed with Myotonia congenita until she was 21. I overcompensated a lot as a kid. I really struggled to keep up. It was thought I was acting up, different, eccentric, my teachers thought I was rebellious. I really wasnt. I was late getting to class because of my condition.

My grandmother lived at home with us. She was a Holocaust survivor, and had osteoporosis resulting from malnutrition. She didnt know why I liked lying on her bed with her and talking, so I did have company. She was very bright and encouraged me in psychological, philosophical, and critical thinking.

The diagnosis wasnt just a relief, it meant she could teach myself not to teach myself to hurt myself to keep up with those who were able-bodied. I don't like to look in mirrors. My physical body holds me down. I kind of like to deny it. I connect to my heart and mind.

She didn't know going to beach could be fun until really recently because I used to go to hold everyones shoes and bags. Its really hard to grow up different.

However, she insists she is no "tragic figure." Her personal transformation, as von Frstenberg puts it, began six years ago when she began writing. Her parents were creative, and her 16-year-old daughter Antonia has applied to go to art school.

As a parent, suffering as she was and unable to do what most parents do with their children, von Frstenberg found honesty with Antonia was best. I had strict boundaries because of my limitations. As a result, Antonia is very compassionate and thoughtful, and independent.

Von Frstenberg describes her own sexuality as fluid. At the end of her college years she fell in love with film-maker Francesca Gregorini, who she later made the film Tanner Hall with. Von Frstenberg was with Antonias father, actor and writer Russell Steinberg, for eleven years.

She is single at the moment, and focused on her "wellness." Living in Los Feliz in Los Angeles, she is happy to be surrounded by loved ones and friends.

My dad was gay, she says. He had a lot of internalized homophobia early on, and had a really hard time coming out to me initially. He got better with it. Growing up in the fashion world meant I was basically raised by the LGBTQ community entirely. They were the only people I could really relate to.

She recalls being 8 and 9, during the dark days of the AIDS epidemic. I saw everybody getting sick and I was young. I lost a lot of friends. That completely traumatized me. People were whispering things behind my back, not telling me because I was a kid. I wanted to offer my love but I wasn't allowed to.

I saw so much shame. I saw so much hiding: the dyeing of hair, the wearing of suits, changing your look not to disclose your status, a faade–and to have that internalized shame of being ill and I think I internalized the shame of being ill too. She pauses. That was an epidemic, and there is also a hidden epidemic of LGBTQ prisoners.

The isolation von Frstenberg felt because of her illness means she identifies strongly with the experiences of the prisoners whose work she has curated.

She talks about the kid who hadnt come out to his family messing around with a guy in what turned out to be a stolen car. He was arrested, and called his mom, who he hasnt heard from since. Another trans woman has been for years, without even having a trial.

The misconception created by the media is to make everyone in jail seem really dangerous, when in fact the prison population would be massively reduced if they decriminalized sex work, or stopped arresting under-18s, or stopped jailing people for the technical violations of probation. A lot of crime is poverty-incited. Von Frstenberg decries those agencies and businesses who financially profit from incarceration.

The 4,000 works of art came in spurts over the last few years, von Frstenberg says. She was struck by the feeling of worthlessness expressed in the letters, being forgotten, not mattering. The other side is, through this show, being remembered. The exhibition, having their work shown, their work being wanted, restored their faith in humanity. I dont want people to think of this as outsider art though. These are artists who are currently incarcerated. Think of it otherwise and it becomes horribly exploitative.

After the show, von Frstenberg plans to continue working on her autobiographical graphic novel, My Summer, Unapologetic, set when she was a teenager wrestling with her disability, and on holiday with her dad and brother in the Mediterranean. Its a coming of age tale for all of us: my dad comes out in it, and my family breaks up and comes back together. (Her father died in 2004, aged 57, of complications arising from liver cirrhosis and Hepatitis C, she says; she does not know if he was HIV positive.)

Von Frstenberg and I finish our talk by surveying the pictures of celebrities prisoners have submitted. They include images of Marilyn Monroe (made ingeniously from Kool-Aid and an asthma inhaler), Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, and a set of particularly memorable images of Rihanna. (Hurrah, no Kardashians.) Theyre figures who have fought back, been persecuted, survived or endured demons, says von Frstenberg: They are vulnerable and assertive.

Michael Jackson was so misunderstood, so I drew him because I understood, writes Marvin D.

Surveying the art, von Frstenberg says exhibition visitors will be able to send text messages to the prisoners whose work is on show. What I hope is that people realize the enormous amount of talent, complexity, and culture of LGBTQ people within prison. You cant stereotype and forget them. I want people to be wowed by the quality of the work, and the voices of these people to be heard.

Before I leave, I read two more of the artists captions.

As a gay child I was accepted openly by my grandparents, writes Christopher R. Its a shame not everyone is accepted for who they are.

It shouldnt matter if society doesnt accept us, writes Joseph B. Who are they to judge and look down upon us? They are no better than usthe same God that put them here, put us here too. Now I am open about my sexuality, and I encourage you to do the same and experience true freedom. If no one told you that they love you, I am telling that I love you, OK?

On The Insideis on show at the Abrons Arts Centre, 466 Grand St, New York, NY 10002, until December 18.

Read more: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/11/06/the-liberating-art-of-lgbtq-prisoners-why-curating-on-the-inside-was-very-personal-for-tatiana-von-f-rstenberg.html

Late-night hosts on Trump’s Russia contact: ‘Under the shirt, over the constitution’

Comics, including Samantha Bee and Stephen Colbert, took aim at Republican healthcare confusion and meetings with the Russian ambassador

Late-night TV hosts discussed Republican disarray and continuing reports of meetings between Trumps team and Russian officials, saying such contact was strictly under the shirt and over the constitution.

On Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, the comic took aim at the Republicans newly released alternative to Obamacare. On the list of terrible Bills, this one ranks right between Cosby and OReilly, she joked, adding: Cosby, of course, ranks No 1 because hes the only Bill that provides free medication whether you want it or not.

She also noted the positive reaction of pundits to Trumps address to a joint session of Congress last week, saying they rained golden compliments down on him in the warmest shower hes ever had outside of Moscow.

Bee also ridiculed rightwing media claims that Barack Obama had attempted a silent coup against Trump. Just one of those classic coups where a president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent and then doesnt release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isnt president any more, she scoffed.

Trumps staff members seem to be afraid to challenge him on basic facts, she worried, treating him like a dangerously strong show chimp that you have to bribe with Diet Pepsi so he wont tear your face off.

On The Late Show, Stephen Colbert said the Republicans lengthy delay in releasing their alternative to Obamacare made them the George RR Martin of healthcare, adding that just like in Game of Thrones, a lot of your favourite characters are going to die without warning.

Colbert noted that Trump had urged Republican congressmen to support the new plan to avoid an electoral bloodbath in 2018. Which would be terrible, because their healthcare plan does not cover bloodbath, he joked.

Colbert then turned to reports that at least five members of Trumps 2016 campaign team had made contact with the Russian ambassador, Sergey Kislyak, during last years election. But they insist that contact was strictly under the shirt, over the constitution, he said.

Trump plans to pay for his immigration program by cutting funding to the coast guard as well airport and rail security, the comic told viewers. Great, so were fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by land, sea or air, he said.

He also questioned plans to carry out more invasive physical patdowns at airports More invasive? Did they find a new hole? before reminding airplane travelers to make sure you have your ticket, your photo ID and your safe word. But there could be a silver lining for people about to lose their healthcare, Colbert suggested, as they can visit an airport to get a free prostate exam.

Meanwhile, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host noted that Trump had devoted an hour to a private Oval Office meeting with the owner of the celebrity gossip site TMZ. What could those two possibly need to talk about for an hour? Is there a terrorist plot against Taylor Swift we need to know about?

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2017/mar/09/late-night-tv-hosts-trump-russia-samantha-bee

Howie Mandel’s Prostate Exam Prank – CONAN on TBS


This Ancient Chinese Secret Gives William His

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When a friend was nervous about his first prostate exam, Howie sprang into action to allay any fears.

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