8 Bizarre Movie Scenes You Didn’t Know Really Happened

We only ask one thing of movies: to take our minds off our dull, everyday lives with preposterous scenes of reality getting double-teamed by imagination and his good friend special effects. It’s a simple enough request which Hollywood still managed to fuck up by giving us films that, sure, look totally insane and wonderfully unrealistic, but which have actually happened in real life … sort of.

#8. A Rogue CIA Operative Went Full Skyfall And Became An International Terrorist

The Movie:

In Skyfall, Javier Bardem adds another notch to his Crazies With Crazy Hair belt in his portrayal of Raoul Silva, an ex-MI6 agent-turned-terrorist and prime example of why spy agencies should be more careful about vetting the guys they plan to turn into living weapons.

The Reality:

Luis Posada Carriles is a “militant” Cuban exile and highly trained CIA field agent who was kicked out of the CIA in 1976 for essentially hating Fidel Castro too much. Yep, even by the standards of 1970s CIA, Posada was going a tad overboard with his hatred of all things even vaguely communist, which sadly culminated in him blowing up a Cubana Airlines flight, together with its 73 passengers, just because it carried Cuba’s national fencing team.

“Hey, those swords could have taken someone’s eye out!”

Venezuela imprisoned Posada over the bombing … until he broke out of prison in 1985 while awaiting trial, only to become a mercenary arms trafficker for the U.S. during the Iran-Contra scandal. Oh, and to further drive the whole “real-life Bond villain” image home, Posada was once shot in the face by an assassin, and survived.

The U.S. finally accused the man of being a terrorist after he personally admitted to a deadly string of terrorist bombings against foreign tourists in Cuba. This was of course after the Bush administration most likely secured him a presidential pardon in Panama, where he was serving time for trying to blow up Fidel Castro. Posada eventually landed in Texas where authorities tried to get his homicidal and illegal ass deported. However Posada got asylum because the countries that offered to take him in (Cuba and Venezuela) would most likely torture him to death.

“What did I do?! Oh … right, the international terrorism thing.”

Posada was also tried in the United States for perjury, but got acquitted and is now a free man living in — all together now — Florida.

#7. A Homicide Detective Once Investigated A Murder He Himself Committed

The Movie:

***SORT-OF-SPOILER ALERT***

In Shutter Island, Leonardo DiCaprio doesn’t win an Oscar for portraying a law enforcement officer who investigates a disappearance only to discover that the victim is dead, and that he himself committed the crime before his sick brain blocked out that cheerful memory.

The Reality:

In the late 19th century, Parisian detective Robert Ledru was called in to investigate the 1887 fatal shooting of beachgoer Andre Monet. Fortunately for Ledru, he had a mountain of evidence to work with: shell casings, sock prints showing that the killer was missing a big toe, and … some of Ledru’s personal police files lying around the scene?

Even stranger was this note they found inside.

The detective realized that he also owned the same type of gun used in the murder, had no big toe, and woke up that morning with wet and sandy socks. The facts quickly started to add up to a giant arrow with “Le Culprit” written on it and pointing straight at Ledru, despite him having no memory of committing the crime. But as he thought more about it, the more sense it started to make.

Which is the main difference between his story and Shutter Island.

See, Ledru had syphilis which caused him to sleepwalk and, by the looks of it, sleep-murder tourists at the beach. He shared his theory with the rest of the police, but they didn’t buy it until an experiment proved that if you put a revolver near a sleeping Ledru, he’s going to get up and start sleep-firing it (fortunately they used blanks for the test.) This proved that Ledru’s crime was one of 68 recorded instances of homicidal sleepwalking, for which Ledru was sentenced to a mental institution where he presumably discovered that the whole thing was part of his therapy, and that he was never really a detective to begin with.

#6. Deranged Nazi Scientists Successfully Bioengineered A Murderous Super-Species

The Movie:

If you need some unholy scientific experiment gone wrong in your movie, blame Nazi scientists. That’s where Captain America’s nemesis Hydra came from, as well as the horrors in a whole bunch of B movies.

This was followed by Doomtrooper II: Reich Back At Ya!

In video games you can gun down genetically engineered Nazi monstrosities in Wolfenstein. Holy crap, the real Nazis weren’t bad enough, so we had to invent this whole ridiculous “genetic mad science” program for them?

The Reality:

Two German brothers, Heinz and Lutz Heck, were such big fans of European bovine history that they wanted to de-extinct aurochs, the granddaddies of modern domestic cows. The Hecks’ plan was to use selective breeding to backwards-evolve modern cattle until they got a designer breed of auroch doppelgangers.

Hold on, does this mean we could de-evolve an ostrich into a T. rex?

These new creatures weren’t genetically aurochs, but they looked and acted just like the real thing, which is to say they were incredibly aggressive and tried to kill everyone around them without provocation. In light of that, it probably won’t surprise you that the Heck bros were super into Hitler, whose government also sponsored these experiments.

The Nazis carted these bloodthirsty supercows off to a few farms where most of them were incinerated in Allied bombings. Still, some of the faux aurochs delivered to zoos survived, and you can actually buy their descendants today, if you don’t mind owning a few-ton resurrected hell-beast that constantly thinks about using its 2.5-foot-long horns to give you a prostate exam.

We challenge you to find a picture of an auroch where it doesn’t look pissed off.

#5. American Pioneers Faced Off Against An Apocalyptic Insect Swarm

The Movie:

Another common staple of terrible horror/sci-fi movies is an unstoppable insect swarm that appears out of nowhere and fucks shit up. Of course, in most cases (from Starship Troopers to Eight Legged Freaks) the creepy crawlies have to be made huge because what kind of damage can regular-sized bugs do, even if there are a lot of them?

The Reality:

Between 1874 and 1875, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts attacked huge areas of the United States with a force of trillions of flying grasshoppers that covered an area of nearly 200,000 square miles.

That’s a million million of these bastards. You may want to go change your underwear right now.

Basically, imagine a flying, 27-ton engine of death the size of California moving through the United States and eating everything in its path: leaves, grass, wool, paint, wooden farm equipment, etc. What’s even scarier is that the swarm just popped out of the blue, which is actually a really bad metaphor because the swarm was so large that it blacked out the goddamn sun for several hours in some areas.

Like this, but somehow far, far worse.

The pioneers tried to defend themselves any way they could, including with homemade horse-drawn flamethrowers. Sadly, improvised weaponry and action-erections didn’t do the trick, and soon there was catastrophic crop damage, massive starvation, and 6-foot mountains of locust corpses piling up in places. However, the swarm was eventually defeated after settlers unwittingly plowed over the locusts’ nesting grounds, meaning that the U.S. was once actually saved thanks to environmental destruction. You were saying, hippies?

#4. Huang Yu Jumped Out Of An Out-Of-Control Airplane After A Midair Shootout

The Movie:

In Passenger 57, skycop Wesley Snipes gets into a shootout with some terrorists aboard an airplane, but finding himself outnumbered, he jumps out of the craft just before it lands. Of course, in typical Hollywood fashion, he then regroups, defeats the bad guys, and goes on to commit tax evasion.

The Reality:

In 1948, the Miss Macao flying boat crashed in the South China Sea, killing its entire staff and passengers, save for one: a Chinese fellow named Huang Yu, who was found floating in the water, seemingly without any memory of what happened.

Man, even The Bourne Identity ripped this off?

In reality, Yu was actually one of the guys who crashed the fucking plane. It turns out that Yu and three of his buddies planned to pull off the world’s very first skyjacking, and ransom off the millionaires aboard the plane. However, when the douchebag quartet whipped out their guns, the rich passengers started trying to subdue them and a raging gun battle soon erupted.

An errant shot instantly killed the pilot, who slumped over the controls, putting the plane in a fatal nosedive. However, Yu managed to open an emergency exit and jump into the ocean right before the crash. As if the asshole couldn’t win even harder, Yu was ultimately acquitted because Macau, Hong Kong, and China could not decide who should try him for the then-nonexistent crime of skymurder.

Passenger 57 thankfully replaced that anti-climax with even more sky-murder.

#3. “Lawn Chair Larry” Flew With A Bunch Of Balloons Strapped To Himself 27 Years Before Up

The Movie:

In Pixar’s Up, an old man ties thousands of balloons to his house and flies off to South America because, dammit, after that heart-wrenching opening, the last thing we needed was more reality.

“We also have talking dogs and giant birds coming right up, so stick around!”

The Reality:

OK, you’ll never actually get enough balloons to lift a whole house into the atmosphere. If you want to pull a stunt like this in the real world, you need to think smaller … even if that actually involves way more danger.

On July 2, 1982, Larry Walters became famous after he attached 42 weather balloons filled with helium to a garden-variety lawn chair, and took off into the wild blue yonder in his improbable contraption. This wasn’t a publicity stunt or anything — Walters was just some random dude who really wanted to soar through the sky but felt that flying lessons would cut too much into his “being a suicidal lunatic” time.

“Boy, this was easy. I can’t believe people made such a big deal about the Wright brothers.”

Walters’ plan was to lazily float up to about 30 feet, enjoy the view, and eventually land by shooting out the balloons with a BB gun. But due to a slight miscalculation, he used too many balloons and shot up to 16,000 feet (about three miles high). This put him in the direct path of passenger jets, two of which actually reported seeing a flying man on a chair while the control tower presumably penciled them in for a drug test.

“Yeah, right, Kevin. Last week it was a gremlin, and today it’s a guy in a chair.”

Larry eventually shot out several balloons and landed 90 minutes later by crashing into some power lines and causing a blackout. He was then immediately arrested on the basis of “You are … umm … look, we don’t know what this is, but there’s no way that whatever you just did is legal.”

#2. Corkey Fornof’s Insane Emergency Landing Was Directly Copied By A Bond Movie

The Movie:

In the opening scene from Octopussy, James Bond is flying a BD-5J microjet when his fuel warning light comes on. Bond then puts the plane down on a stretch of highway, parks at a gas station, and asks the stunned attendant to “Fill her up, please” because, believe it or not, there was a time when James Bond was allowed to have a sense of humor about him.

The Reality:

Professional Hollywood stunt pilot Corkey Fornof was flying a BD-5J microjet one day when his fuel warning light came on and he had to put the plane down on a stretch of highway. Fornof’s itty-bitty plane fortunately fit in a traffic lane, so he just coasted past astonished motorists, and switched lanes until he got off the highway and onto an access road.

Hey, a crash landing is no excuse to ignore traffic laws.

Fornof merrily careened through town until he slowed down and parked at a gas station, thoroughly confusing the attendant there. The similarities between that and Octopussy are no coincidence. Not only was the sequence explicitly based on Fornof’s real-life experience, but Fornof himself was the actual stunt pilot flying the BD-5J in Octopussy, meaning that, technically speaking, the most hilariously named James Bond movie is basically also a dramatized documentary.

#1. A Meteor Infects An Entire Town With A Mysterious Andromeda Strain-Like Illness

The Movie:

In the 1971 sci-fi classic The Andromeda Strain, a micrometeorite carrying an alien organism travels down to Earth on one of our satellites, where it immediately infects and kills a town full of people.

“Clearly, we need to build a giant wall around Earth” — President Trump.

The Reality:

The residents of a small Peruvian town near Lake Titicaca (which we are not ashamed to admit still sounds just as hilarious as when we were 12) were stunned when a goddamn meteor crashed nearby causing a massive explosion. The locals decided to walk on over to the mystery blast to check it out, which is basically how every sci-fi horror movie starts, and that’s pretty much what happened next as everyone who visited the crater started complaining of strange headaches and nausea.

Meanwhile, Hollywood was already working on The Andromeda Strain II — This Time It’s Peru-sonal.

In any movie, around now is when the real threat would emerge. The sick die and then come back to life! The virus was in reality just an advance attack by a UFO invasion’s landing party! The meteor contained a blob! You probably know that’s not how it played out, or else you’d have probably heard about it on the news by now.

A bunch of smart guys were called in to investigate and discovered that, in reality, the meteor had just hit a natural deposit of arsenic, throwing a bunch of vaporized death-dirt into the air, which was how everyone got sick. Or in other words: The illness was coming from inside our planet!

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23084_8-bizarre-movie-scenes-you-didnt-know-really-happened.html

5 Common Insults That Reveal Dark Things About Society

Did you know that “Texas” is a slang term for “crazy” in Norway? As in, “Put down the nunchucks, Sven! No need to get Texas in here!” They’ve been using it that way for decades, and it’s weird to think that a thousand years from now, it’s possible that word will still be around even if nobody using it remembers that the state was even a thing.

It’s kind of a dick move, if you think about it, to have your entire proud history get turned into a mocking term that might outlive you. But lots of the language you use every day came about like this — some group of people turning a petty grudge or classist insult into an everyday word, until it gets baked into the language itself. Like …

#5. “Idiot” Started As A Slur Against Common Folk

You probably have heard that, once upon a time, you could go to the doctor and get diagnosed as an “idiot.” It used to be the clinical term for someone with a low IQ (along with “moron”), and it only fell out of favor after the public started using it as an insult a few decades ago. But if you go back further, you’ll find an even bigger dick move at play.

“Idiot” comes from the Greek word idios, meaning personal or private, a connotation that still survives in words such as “idiosyncrasy.” So, originally, an idiot was simply a private individual — maybe, but not necessarily, because he couldn’t figure out how the doorknob worked and was trapped in his home.

Meanwhile, the origins of your mom being like a doorknob because everyone gets a turn are quite clear.

In ancient Greece, the term grew to be applied to the “common man” — in other words, a private citizen, as opposed to someone holding a public office. (You read that right: In the good old days, there were no idiots in politics.) Of course, back then an ordinary person was almost always also an uneducated person. You see where this is headed. It wasn’t long until the upper crust started extending the term from laypeople in general to “those stupid laypeople,” and from there it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to Halfwit City, population: you.

And thus a whole history of snide class warfare worms its way into our schoolyard insults. It’d be like if you traveled to the year 3515 and saw doctors diagnosing low-IQ types as “NASCAR fan” or “flies coach.”

#4. “Prude” Was A Compliment Twisted To Shame Women Who Didn’t Want To Have Sex

In a country where you can’t show a female nipple on broadcast TV for fear it will scandalize the public’s delicate minds, it’s still an insult to be called a prude. It paints a picture of an uptight, obnoxious person who insists that even possessing genitals is only for those who lack both shame and class.

But if you were to hop in a time machine and burn rubber back to Old France, you could call a woman a prude and you’d actually be paying her a compliment. The word made its way to English from the French prudefemme, meaning a brave, virtuous, or proud woman. If you’re just now noticing that “prude” and “proud” look awfully similar, that’s because they once shared a similar meaning. They’re dictionary friends!

But the word had a rough trip across the English Channel. While it arrived in early-18th-century England all starry-eyed and retaining the gist of its original meaning, it didn’t take long for dudes in fancy knee breeches to turn it into an insult. Soon, a prude was a woman who was afraid of being seduced. And then it was an older woman who (knowing that the cobwebs dangling from her funbits made seduction unlikely) became overly pious. And finally it meant a woman who most definitely wanted the D but pretended not to for the sake of appearances.

“No D for me, thanks!”

So basically some women were too proud to sleep with some skeevy dudes, so those dudes got their revenge by twisting the word to imply that pride is a shitty thing to have. Isn’t language fascinating?

#3. “Dunce” Is A Smart Guy’s Name Turned Into An Insult By People Who Disagreed With Him

The goal of every political movement is to turn their opponents’ cause into a dirty word. Once upon a time, “Communist” was just a statement of party affiliation; now it’s a slur. We guess the same thing happened to “Nazi” (OK, often the groups do it to themselves). Well, once upon a time a movement just decided to target the leader of the other side and use his name to mean “stupid” until everybody started doing it.

The word “dunce” originates from one John Duns Scotus, considered one of the most brilliant men of his time. He was an influential 13th-century philosopher, lecturer, and theologian so famous for his sharp mind and complex arguments that he was known as “the Subtle Doctor.” That doesn’t mean he was particularly delicate when performing a prostate exam — it means he was renowned for his intricate and nuanced views on just about everything. His followers came to be known as Dunsmen, and for two centuries they taught his doctrines at Europe’s most illustrious universities.

He also founded the Crips.

So how did the term come to be a polite form of “dipshit”? Well, Duns lived toward the tail end of what we now call the Dark Ages, and by the 16th century much of Europe was getting its Renaissance on. The Dunsmen (or, by then, simply Dunses) were resistant to what they called the “new learning,” and this earned them the scorn of Europe’s new generation of brainiacs, who thought them foolish for sticking by tradition. By the 17th century, the name Duns had become the noun “dunce.” It’s a bit like sarcastically calling an idiot “Einstein,” but if we totally forgot who Einstein was and his name became synonymous with people so stupid they need three tries to clap.

“It’s ’cause he had paws, right?”

That guy died in 1308, by the way. They were so effective at mocking his way of thinking that his name still means “dumbass” more than 700 years later.

#2. An “Amateur” Was Once More Respected Than A “Professional”

If you Google “amateur” today … well, let’s face it: There’s really only one reason you’d be searching for “amateur” on the Internet, and it ain’t to enroll in your local nonprofessional kite-flying tournament.

“Man, look at that configuration; it’s barely legal.”

We hear “amateur,” and if our minds don’t immediately jump to “diddler,” they jump to “dabbler.” If there’s a disastrous screw-up at work, the office blowhard will shout something like, “What are you, a bunch of amateurs?” or, “What is this, amateur hour?” or, “Can we please act like professionals for once?” The message is clear: If you’re not getting paid, you’re not to be taken seriously.

However, the amateur of a few centuries ago was far from the casual hobbyist we picture today. Originally French, deriving from the Latin amare, an amateur was a person who pursued an activity for love as opposed to filthy, filthy lucre. Said activity might be in the field of art — France’s Royal Academy of Painting and Sculpture awarded the “amateur honoraire” status to honorary experts or consultants — or even in math, philosophy, or science. In fact, we’d be willing to bet you’ve heard of a little amateur scientist by the name of Charles goddamn Darwin.

Amateurs could afford to eschew payment for their efforts because they tended to be gentlemen who already had Scrooge McDuck vaults to swim in. They even went so far as to argue that the introduction of payment would insult their dignity and sully their noble pursuits — when lowborn scientist Richard Owen told a countess in 1865 that he received a salary, she reportedly “recoiled in horror.”

Although ol’ Richy Rape Eyes might have gotten that reaction a lot.

But science was undergoing a period of professionalization, and the gentlemen amateurs suddenly found themselves rubbing shoulders with clever upstarts who actually wanted to, you know, make a living. The upstarts closed ranks and began attacking the amateurs’ work and methods, eventually succeeding in convincing people that if you’re not getting paid for your work, you shouldn’t be taken as seriously as someone who is. And then, in our modern day, we tied the word to porn, so generations from now it’ll just mean “somebody that likes to fuck in poorly lit conditions.”

Hey, speaking of which …

#1. “Hussy” Was A Term For A Respectable Female, Corrupted To Degrade Poor Women

It says quite a bit about us that we seem to have more slang words for “promiscuous female” than we do for “aggressive, violent male.” And while these days everyone prefers “slut” or something much worse, you can still occasionally hear people of a certain age throw around the word “hussy.”

So, what, was there some infamous female back in the day with the last name “Hussy”? Maybe she banged a king and his entire royal court? Nope — it’s derived from “housewife.” Turn back the timeline just a few short centuries, and a “husewif” was the word for “female head of the house.” Middle English speakers decided that “husewif” was a bit awkward to say, though, so they shortened it to “hussy.” At the time, it was a respectable term referring to women who “stayed home, raised the kids, milked the cows, and did as they were told.”

The definition of “respectable” may have evolved a bit over the years as well.

Anyway, around the turn of the 17th century, the word broadened in meaning. Suddenly, any woman could be called a hussy — she didn’t have to be a housewife or even married. As should come as no surprise by this point in the article, any shred of dignity once attached to the word was soon swept right out of the kitchen when class distinctions came into play. Elitists — whose sole form of attack so far appears to be “make a word mean something shitty” — began using the term in reference not to women in general but to women who’d made the baffling life choice of being poor.

“Maybe you should have been born better, idiot!”

The negative evolution continued into the 18th century when, in addition to the unforgivable traits of being both female and destitute, immorality got tossed into the mix. And when it came to women in the 18th century, “immoral” basically meant one thing: sex. And that’s how we ended up where we are today, where calling a lady an old-timey term for “homemaker” merits a swift kick to your nether-regions.

Yeah, you’ve heard the saying “History is written by the victors”? Well, we’re pretty sure that language is written by the assholes.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23134_5-terrible-origin-stories-behind-your-favorite-insults.html

12 Hilarious Failures At Sex Pill Package Design

Selling sexual enhancement pills sounds like the easiest job in the world. You take an explosive adjective, throw it on a box covered in naked people, and BAM! It’s time to start deciding how to spend your profits.

Except it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes, when you’re focusing all your energy on putting out a dubious “sexual enhancement” product, you can’t be bothered to design packaging that makes any kind of sense and/or doesn’t look like the pictorial equivalent of a ransom note.

#12. Stree Overlord Will Let You Bone Like A Street Fighter Character

We haven’t played Street Fighter in a long time, but we’re pretty sure no button combination in existence will produce this result:

Now you know why Blanka is smiling on the Super Nintendo cover.

Despite being a brand of penile supplements, Stree Overlord has the name and the mastery of English of a shitty Street Fighter II bootleg, and it will improve your sex life exactly as much. The box art, meanwhile, is pure “DeviantArt with the NSFW filters off” (in fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they lifted it from there). Oh, and that’s a leg in the foreground, by the way; using Stree Overlord has not (yet) been proven to cause gigantic penises to erupt from the ground like the monsters from Tremors.

But don’t worry. They came up with a fake history for their dick-swelling pills which reads like an entry from a middle school boy’s wish fulfillment journal:

This unregulated penis supplement has more plot than Street Fighter V.

The official site, meanwhile, only mentions that Stree Overlord was developed by the prestigious “Shenglong Medecine Biology Research Center” (fittingly, Sheng Long means “Rising Dragon Punch”). At least we can all agree that this is a more respectful adaptation than the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

#11. iScream Is Hauntingly Obsessed With Making Women Scream

Ladies! Do you hate making normal sex noises? Do you want your neighbors to think that you’re being murdered on a roller coaster? Do you want orgasms so potent that you’ll forget how to spell “orgasms?” If so, good news: iScreams are the pills for you!

Although judging by the photos, this could easily be a powerful laxative.

iScream is what happens when Big Pharma has a graphics budget of $0.50 because they hired Eli Roth to write the ad copy. “It’s time to scream … in bed …” sounds like the chilling promise of a serial killer. It doesn’t get any better when you visit their Amazon listing and discover that it consists of little more than stock photos of screaming women, which only seems to confirm their “violent felon” demographic.

“Hey, this looks like my Pinterest board!” — a person you should avoid

#10. Big PENIS Cuts Straight To The Point

Sup, bro? How’s it hanging? If you said “not sufficiently,” then we’ve got a solution for you! All you have to do is choke down a big penis.

Pro tip: If saliva isn’t doing the trick, try washing it down with jelly.

It’s a crazy, messed-up world when the most honest advertising we’ve seen in decades comes from the world of shifty pill vendors. There’s no misunderstanding of what you get from using Big PENIS. There’s no delightful wordplay involving euphemisms like “Solid Oak,” or “Iron Rod,” or “Dense Pencil.” You’re getting a Big PENIS. And not just any Big PENIS. No, Big PENIS comes in an austere metallic box that looks like the slipcase for a Terminator 2 DVD, complete with the flag of the United States. Because thanks to Big PENIS, your junk can now be used as a flagpole, apparently.

Make Big Penis Great Again.

#9. French Ladies Will Flood Your Vagina With “Exiting Water”

The name “French Ladies” brings to mind elegance, class, and sophistication. The packaging does absolutely none of those things, and indeed, only seems interested in reminding women that vaginas exist. You know, in case they forgot.

This is what Jack from Titanic‘s finished drawing would have looked like if he hadn’t died.

However, this product does promise users something called “super constrict vagina,” which is a phrase that demands further investigation. The words “exiting water” only compound the mystery, seemingly suggesting that this is medication for a urinary tract infection. Let’s see how the description checks out:

Uh, so this pill makes you spray “vagina juice” like a fire hose for 20 minutes? There’s an off switch though, right? Let’s keep reading.

Because loud, semiconscious moaning is never a sign of excruciating pain or impending death.

OK, so is this a date rape drug? Because it sure sounds like a date rape drug.

#8. We Really, Really Hope Big Brother Is An Orwell Reference

To its credit, Big Brother doesn’t promise to turn your junk into a monster or transform your sperm into chocolate milk. They’re simply good ol’ fashioned dick extenders.

“Fun for the whole family!”

It’s just … the name, guys. It raises more questions than these pills ever will penises. Why would you ever call your sex drug “Big Brother”? Did the final name come down to a choice between that and “My Sister Is DTF”? If so, why?

Or perhaps we’re misreading this. It’s not incest; it’s a commentary on the surveillance state and how Big Government (a much better name, to be honest) is destroying our privacy. That would explain why there’s a surveillance camera in the top-left corner of the box.

“Slower …”

#7. Daniel Craig And Barack Obama Are Secret Agents Of Male Enhancement

Seeing as how Daniel Craig has reportedly retired from being James Bond, this’d be a great time for him to capitalize on his smoldering looks and get into the penis pill business. Unless, as God Of War suggests, he already did that years ago.

Not that this wouldn’t be in character for Bond.

We can’t blame him. It’s a good career move. After all, what other celebrity has the raw sexual magnetism to spearhead their own line of male enhancements?

“Obama. Aobama.”

That’s fucking right: Barack Obama. These pills were recovered during a drug raid in Pakistan, making this the first time he’s ever deployed a deadly weapon on a civilian population that wasn’t fired from a drone. They could probably do with a rebranding, however. We’d suggest Cum-ander In Chief, and maybe getting some better pictures instead of plagiarizing artwork from a Spider-Man comic.

We mean, there are multiple pornographic Obama manga to choose from.

And while we’re on the subject of superheroes …

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/article_23934_12-insane-attempts-at-marketing-sex-pills-to-internet.html